so this one time..

..my sister decided to get pregnant. Yeah, great idea.

She's staying the night at the hospital tonight for observation. Baby will be here any day.

Any day now.

Any time.

What a world she's being brought into. Somehow, I feel as if I should reminisce about the 'old times' or 'when I was a kid' kind of stuff.

Somehow.

I also find it mildly amusing that I'm using the emphasis-on-spaced-lines technique. 'Sex God' was written the same way.

Rob Bell shouldn't have done that. Think of how many tress he wasted. At least I'm not wasting trees. Poor trees. What'd they ever do to anyone?

Any day now, my niece. Any time.

horror.

As I started unpacking more things and cleaning out the garage this afternoon, I heard children's voices behind me on the street. I assumed they were enjoying some pseudo-fun in the street, on their bikes, on foot, or by whatever other means (flying?)

As I turned to head toward the garage again, I heard screaming. I heard loud bangs. I turned and saw a child with a gun, pointed at his friend on the bike. The child kept shooting him over and over again until there were no more shots left. Not really knowing what was going on, I just silently watched. The kid on the bike was still - he just looked into the eyes of his shooter, eyes blank of emotion. The kid then turned, and began riding down the street again as if nothing happened.

Had the gun been real, and not a cap gun, perhaps the parents of both kids who had been in and out of their own house would pay a bit more attention to them, love on them a bit more than usual. I'm not in a position to say that their parents don't love them; however, from what I have seen over the past few days, I could make an inference as to the relationship between parent and child.

So, yeah.

It will take a real gun to bring families together.

bible for the day.

Ecclesiastes 11:5

Apparently Doppler radar and ultrasound machines hadn't been invented yet.

Whoops.

So I've been thinking..

Welp, cya.

oh hai

This paint has been tasting of lead.. and their chips will fall as they may.

Oh Dashboard, your lyrics make me laugh. Sometimes. Sort of.

So I've been away doing things.. living life. Figuring out where I fit in the world. Right now its at MVNU doing finals and some youth ministry when I can. Where the summer will take me.. not UDF. That's for sure.

I've learned to love life again.

jesus?

some of these lyrics are interesting.
some are just out of place.
while still others raise interesting questions.
what do you think?

brand new - jesus.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone I could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and pull apart?
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
And this ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you're coming in the night like a thief
(So throw your tongue in mine)
But I've had some time, oh Lord, to hone my lying technique
(I know it's so hard breathing in alone)
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
(And you were right, I know I said you were wrong)
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up
(I always said you were wrong)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you're coming for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we turn out hate in factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine

inadequacy.

the idea of resiliency is comical to me. a process in which one restores his confidence, restores his awareness of his surroundings and how to interact with them, restores his former being in every sense of the world in an effort to continue with life. yet, he knows that there will come another time when he is removed from his metaphorical throne of power, and cast down among that which he thought he was above.

maybe too wordy. maybe i don't care. maybe how i love poetic injustice.. that 'even if i fall down i'll rise again'.. and there's nothing i can do about it.

i hold myself to a high standard for many reasons. strive for perfection. an old voice that echoes in my head cursing me for the opposite. a hope for more than what i am.

if only could i could show myself the same grace that God does.

not to say i have even the ability to give myself grace comparable to Christ.. there might be something theologically wrong with that statement. more-so in the sense that i can have mercy on myself... and yet i could give myself a break once in a while.

if i did that, though, it would be cheating. i wouldn't be 'roughing it.'

'why don't you ever stand up for yourself?'
'don't you have any goals?'
'you're never going to get anywhere.'

it's amazing how someone from your past can still have an effect on you years later.

years.

so maybe i can't extend grace to myself... have mercy on myself. give myself the benefit of the doubt that i might fall short.

hah, might. i really do hate absolutes. i can't even admit i'm not perfect.. and will never be perfect. unless you believe in entire sanctification..

..then i laugh at you. he who think he is entirely sanctified, whatever that looks like, is lying to himself, and is no longer sanctified entirely. good one.

will we ever be okay with being adequate? is that complacency? or is it accepting God's grace to cover our imperfections?

i dunno.

an endless cycle, a cd stuck on repeat, a self-sustaining conundrum that keeps me up until 3:26 AM.

you will not beat me tonight, foe! and to you i confidentally say..

'no. you.'

c.

facebook.

tonight, i made a post in a group that was apparently the anti- to a group that was anti-Jesus. what a world we live in.

i have invited some to this blog, and if you are reading this because of that post, welcome.

i have some thoughts about facebook. i'll save them when i can communicate clearly after some good sleep.

c.